UPDATED: 6/1/14 at 10:15pm - just read over, fixed a typo or two and added a couple lines at the end as I've had another day to process over my fuck up.
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I've learned a great deal about myself in the last 24 hours. Almost none of it pleasant.
I never thought of myself as being an unforgiving grudge holder but I am. It takes something particular to bring it out but wow. Basically, if I perceive you as dissing my kids, thats unforgivable.
Now I'm not talking a killing offense like assault or something, in that case I would be justified, but in this case I'm not. Not when I specifically demanded that a situation change, and the individual DID CHANGE. It took a while. There was a serious fuck up or two along the way. Decent sized trust violation in the face of already raw, nearly breaking point wound.
But it has gotten better. The behavior that lead to the dissing of my kids, changed. Help has been sought. Its been MONTHS now of good behavior. And yet I was still explosively angry. I didn't really realize it. But every little thing, suddenly became a HUGE thing. I would just BLOW UP and yell. And I'm not a person that yells often.
I tend to take after my Dad. Dad never yells. Like count it on the fingers of one hand the number of times he actually yells. He might get "tense voice" which is when as kids we would go "DON'T YELL AT ME" and he would go "I'm not yelling" and we would respond "You're doing the voice!! Thats you yelling!" and he would get exasperated. My Mother? That woman YELLS. Screams even. I've always taken after Dad.
In the last month or so I've graduated from yelling to screaming. I've even fantasized about throwing things. Not even as a kid did I ever throw things.
And so I yelled and I screamed and I punished this person over and over and over again. No amount of improvement less than perfection was acceptable. I would thank for the improvements and then berate that it wasn't good enough.
My Dad did the "not good enough" game with me as a kid. I love him and he's a good man but that is one of my least favorite things he does. Its how he proves he's related to his mother. For example: my freshman year of college I had a $2K scholarship that I had to maintain a 3.0 to keep. I came home with a 2.94. Man, was I in trouble. A few weeks later I got a letter telling me I'd been awarded a 1500 scholarship for academic excellence of all things. I was thrilled. Dads response was that, "If you got a 3.0 you would have gotten the 2000 again". A week after that I got another letter, I'd been awarded the 2000 again, in addition to the 1500! I was over the moon. Dad's response? "If you got a 4.0 you'd get a free ride". Apparently he praises me to the skies with his friends but not so much to my face.
I hate it when he does that. Hate. Hate. Hate.
It happened on my mission that one of my poor companions - she had only been in the field 3 months, I was her second companion. I thought she was doing great. My mom asked me just that afternoon in her letter how she was coming along. I said she was amazing! Detailed how impressed I was with her. That evening during companionship inventory my companion tearfully told me how I only ever criticized her and "Am I doing anything right??" And I felt like MUD. I had done to her what my father had done to me. And I've tried very hard not to do it to anybody else.
And now I've done it again.
And whats worse, I've broken this person, who didn't deserve it because I couldn't forgive them. I kicked until they broke. Dear God what have I done? What have I become?
I've forgiven that person many other things. They've broken me once or twice. Its been God awful. But this time its my fault. My fuck up. Because I didn't forgive. B/c I don't know how to forgive b/c it endangered my kids. Nothing happened. It was okay. But it endangered my kids and then when it was raw there was a trust violation. And so nothing less than perfection was acceptable. Reasons but not excuses, b/c there is no excuse for my behavior. None.
If this relationship ends now its because its my fault. I never in a million years thought it would ever be my fault. Clearly. B/c I'm perfect and completely infallible. *head desk. repeatedly*
I've been accused of being an arrogant, narcissistic bitch many times. This is the first time I think I've earned it.
And now its my turn to get to change and realize I'm not a good partner. In fact I'm a really shitty one. Maybe I was good once but I'm really not now. And so I need to fix it. I need to learn again and start over and do a shitload of sucking up to prove that being with me is worth the pain. I've been on the flip side of this equation. I know exactly how much it hurts and how horrible it is and I never in a million years thought I would be the one to do it to somebody else. And I did. And its not an easy thing to fix. God can fix it if they let Him. Only thing I can really do is make sure I never do it again.
And thus we rediscover the repentance process from a whole new angle. Its the ABCs right? A - Admit you did something wrong. Check. B - Be Sorry. Omg am I sorry. I keep sobbing, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I did that. C - Correct it - In progress. I can make sure I don't blow up again but proving I mean it and that its safe will take time. Only time will prove they can trust me to not abuse them again. B/c thats what I became, I reacted to an addiction by becoming abusive. And I have to fix it. B/c thats not who I have been in the past nor who I ever wanted to be. Hence D- Don't do it again. This is the only way I can really prove I'm sorry. So heres to reprogramming my behavior. B/c as much as I don't want to hurt this person anymore, I even more intensely don't want to teach this to my children. God save me I don't want them to learn this pattern.
And in the mean time I'm going to beg God to help me learn how to forgive b/c until I let go of this anger, I'm never really going to be okay. I guess its the mother bear reaction. On toxic steroids. But it has no place here. And its way out of proportion.
In hindsight, I stopped reading my scriptures regularly. Again. Every bad decision or major fuck up I've made in the last 15 years I can trace to a time when I stopped reading my scriptures. Maybe someday I will get it through my thick head that prayer isn't enough and I have to read every single day if I want to be a person I like being.
And wants more I didn't want to read my scriptures b/c I'm also angry at my FIL and I know I need to pray about it and study my scriptures but I don't want to. B/c I'm afraid the answer will be that I should forgive him AGAIN and I don't want to, I don't want to turn the other cheek, I wanna pull a Nephi and take my family and leave. This time I want to be done. I want to never deal with that man again. And so in protecting my anger at him, I inadvertently also protected my anger at another person and became a horrible, bitter person. And thus we see that if you pick up one end of the stick, you also pick up the other one. Suck.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Friday, March 21, 2014
Today Target Made Me Cry
The first nail in the coffin of my weight loss was having to pack my kitchen for the move. Thus entered Way Too Much Fast Food. Then I moved and my stress level was through the stratosphere the last two months and I've been insanely busy and I'm just now starting to breathe well enough to start to be able to take care of me. I've not gone to any of my Weight Watchers meetings since we moved b/c I knew if I was tracking points then I'd have to stop stress eating and I couldn't afford to not stress eat b/c I couldn't do any of my healthy stress options b/c my top 4 ways to deal w/ my stress in POSITIVE ways are:
1. Work Out
2. Garden
3. Make Jewelry
4. Hang out with Girlfriends
And I've been either too busy or too broke to do any of the above! So I've been eating (b/c it was that or have a complete break down and cease to function). This is the problem with a food addiction. The second I stop tracking every damn thing that goes in my mouth, its like an alcoholic going on a bender. And I know its so bad and I hate like hell that I have gained so much weight. I've gained back everything I lost when I was pregnant. I'm 9 pounds away from my heaviest weight ever.
The state of my mental health can best be described as: Not Good.
So I'm trying to stop it. I'm trying to make healthier choices. I've been praying hard. I NEED to exercise. I realized my only pair of tennis shoes was literally coming apart at the seams so I finally spent some of my stashed birthday money and got my first new pair in over 10 years. But my joints are hurting so badly from the extra weight and I'm so badly out of shape from being on bed rest forever with this pregnancy that I really feel like I need to start out in the water.
Problem: I can't find my stupid swimsuit anywhere. I can't figure out what happened to it. Crap. I remember seeing that bag and going "We are going to want these for sure and soon" and then I think I put them "some place safe" which means we may never see them again.... *head desk* Well, my suit was 3 years old anyways and starting to look a little ragged in the hindquarters, I should just get a new one.
So given my delicate mental state atm, I pep talked myself into going swim suit shopping. Alone. With nobody for moral support. But if I waited for moral support it would take even longer. I told myself its not going to be that bad, I will just go to Target, I got my last 3 swim suits there. Odds are it will be fine and I can find something and just try not to cry too much when you look in the mirror in the dressing room.
So then I get to Target. And I start looking. There's a huge swim suit section. Its the size of my living room! Sweet! ... except its all skinny people sized. Crap. Okay, lets find the women's section.
So I go find the Plus sized section.... except it all appears to be Maternity. Its like the biggest damn maternity section I've ever seen outside an actual maternity store. I finally find a tiny rack w/ 4 suits.... except those are maternity too. WTF??
So I go find a sales person and ask where the Plus Size suits are. Answer: There are none.
I'm sorry, say what now?
There are no plus sized swim suits. In fact the only plus sized clothing in the whole store is one single rack of WORK OUT CLOTHES.
I asked the manager what was up. She was very proud and positive about the "brand new line they just got in!!" (The work out clothes) and apparently they're having problems with a supplier and contracts not working out right.
So I freaked out on FB and found some things out: Apparently Target has a problem with fat people. They just issued a public apology b/c one of their dresses that they had in skinny people size and plus size was labeled "Heather Grey" in little people sizes and "Manatee Grey" in Plus sizes. (I shit you not)
So if thats the reason why they had to suddenly cut ties with their supplier I can kinda get it, but really you only had ONE supplier for a clothing size that 40% of the population wears?? Somehow I can't see it ever happening that you'd just plain close shop on the skinny people section for a couple months while you get your shit together.
So I felt smacked. I felt insulted. I felt like I don't wanna shop there ever again (and I love me some Target). And now I get to go on a whole swim suit hunting expedition elsewhere. And so I cried.
1. Work Out
2. Garden
3. Make Jewelry
4. Hang out with Girlfriends
And I've been either too busy or too broke to do any of the above! So I've been eating (b/c it was that or have a complete break down and cease to function). This is the problem with a food addiction. The second I stop tracking every damn thing that goes in my mouth, its like an alcoholic going on a bender. And I know its so bad and I hate like hell that I have gained so much weight. I've gained back everything I lost when I was pregnant. I'm 9 pounds away from my heaviest weight ever.
The state of my mental health can best be described as: Not Good.
So I'm trying to stop it. I'm trying to make healthier choices. I've been praying hard. I NEED to exercise. I realized my only pair of tennis shoes was literally coming apart at the seams so I finally spent some of my stashed birthday money and got my first new pair in over 10 years. But my joints are hurting so badly from the extra weight and I'm so badly out of shape from being on bed rest forever with this pregnancy that I really feel like I need to start out in the water.
Problem: I can't find my stupid swimsuit anywhere. I can't figure out what happened to it. Crap. I remember seeing that bag and going "We are going to want these for sure and soon" and then I think I put them "some place safe" which means we may never see them again.... *head desk* Well, my suit was 3 years old anyways and starting to look a little ragged in the hindquarters, I should just get a new one.
So given my delicate mental state atm, I pep talked myself into going swim suit shopping. Alone. With nobody for moral support. But if I waited for moral support it would take even longer. I told myself its not going to be that bad, I will just go to Target, I got my last 3 swim suits there. Odds are it will be fine and I can find something and just try not to cry too much when you look in the mirror in the dressing room.
So then I get to Target. And I start looking. There's a huge swim suit section. Its the size of my living room! Sweet! ... except its all skinny people sized. Crap. Okay, lets find the women's section.
So I go find the Plus sized section.... except it all appears to be Maternity. Its like the biggest damn maternity section I've ever seen outside an actual maternity store. I finally find a tiny rack w/ 4 suits.... except those are maternity too. WTF??
So I go find a sales person and ask where the Plus Size suits are. Answer: There are none.
I'm sorry, say what now?
There are no plus sized swim suits. In fact the only plus sized clothing in the whole store is one single rack of WORK OUT CLOTHES.
I asked the manager what was up. She was very proud and positive about the "brand new line they just got in!!" (The work out clothes) and apparently they're having problems with a supplier and contracts not working out right.
So I freaked out on FB and found some things out: Apparently Target has a problem with fat people. They just issued a public apology b/c one of their dresses that they had in skinny people size and plus size was labeled "Heather Grey" in little people sizes and "Manatee Grey" in Plus sizes. (I shit you not)
So if thats the reason why they had to suddenly cut ties with their supplier I can kinda get it, but really you only had ONE supplier for a clothing size that 40% of the population wears?? Somehow I can't see it ever happening that you'd just plain close shop on the skinny people section for a couple months while you get your shit together.
So I felt smacked. I felt insulted. I felt like I don't wanna shop there ever again (and I love me some Target). And now I get to go on a whole swim suit hunting expedition elsewhere. And so I cried.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
My son is Autistic
Its official. We got the diagnosis today.
I'm still processing about it. I need to brain dump here so I can sleep.
My degree is in Psychology. I am extremely familiar with the diagnostic criterion for the Autism Spectrum. And yes for the last two years The Boy has been pinging my radar. I wondered. I told myself I was being paranoid. You do that. You over analyse everything. Every freshman psych student goes thru a phase where they become the psych equivalent of a hypochondriac and you have to tell yourself to shut up and you're just seeing things.
But sometimes you're right.
He started out so blissfully normal. Such a good, sweet, happy, cuddly baby boy (he is still a good sweet happy cuddly kid). Absolutely normal developmental track, a little ahead of the curve even. He used to make eye contact no problem. And try as I might I don't remember when he stopped.
It wasn't abrupt. I would have noticed. Just an odd quirk that turned into a phase that never ended and only got worse. The drawing. The refusal to use words. The clock obsession.
I remember thinking one time when I was holding my perfect baby boy how grateful I was that he didn't ping for anything on the spectrum and that I was grateful that I wouldn't have to deal with that with him. The crazy horrible voice in the back of my head wonders if this is punishment for that, that I didn't knock on wood or I was prideful and this is my punishment for hubris. Something stupid and equally batshit. But it whispers in the background like horrible little voices always do.
He's still perfect and I know this doesn't change who he is magically just b/c we have a name for things but in some ways it changes nothing and in others it changes everything.
I remember hearing how when you find out your child has a "disability" you go through a mourning phase because in some ways its a death.
Earlier today I had the thought: They're right. Its the death of the child that I thought I was raising. He is still my son, I still love him. I still think he hangs the moon and his spirit is still the same incredible little soul I have the privilege and honor to play the role of mortal mother to, but I wonder now about his potential in this life.
He's smart. Super, duper smart. The doctor was very optimistic about his long term outcome. But will he ever get married? Have a family? Be a father? Serve a mission? In this life? Now, I don't know. Eternally I know that nothing will be denied to him because of this. I know he's such an exceptional spirit that he doesn't have to be tested in the usual fashion.
But the odds of sending my son on his mission, watching him marry and having another daughter join our family and beautiful, gorgeous grandbabies, just got a whole lot smaller. It might happen, but it might not. And for that I mourn. B/c thats what I thought I was preparing him for. I remember picking his name and thinking, "It has a good ring to it. You could even see it across the bottom of the screen at General Conference. It would make a good General Authority Name."
The odds of that happening have diminished.
I had a friend in college. We will call him John. John was an awesome guy. Weird, but he is Aspergers (back when thats what you called it) and he was crazy smart but weird. Good friend. Constantly touched you if he was talking to you. Immature but nice. Aced every class he took in the engineering program (b/c they don't care if you're weird) and didn't even have to study but couldn't drive a car. They put him in the Corps and he thrived with the structure. He even got married (in my opinion the chick was a nutjob, no offense to John but she was and she would kinda have to be for them to work...) and they even had a kid or two but now they're divorced. I know divorce happens but I can't help but think it was all but inevitable in that case. And now the kids are left with a Dad that is an odd duck at the best of times and a nutjob for a mother.
I don't want that for my boy. I want the career track. I don't want him to wind up 20 years old and unable to function in the real world b/c he didn't go to college and he can't work with the public or get hired. I want him to use his marvelous intelligence and be as independent and successful as he can possibly be. Engineering will probably be an excellent fit. They don't care if you act funny (they all do there. I went to aTm. I would know...).
And now I look at The Girl. I look at her gorgeous, brilliant smile and I feel a tinge of fear. B/c I know now, that it doesn't matter. It doesn't really mean she's okay. I mean yes of course thats life and theres always a risk we could all die tomorrow, but this feels different. Hints of feeling cheated. He was perfect and in hindsight it was like a veil slowly coming down and I was helpless to stop it. Stop him from going away. And I mean its Autism. You can't fight it. You can't fix it or cure it. I didn't cause it. Theres nothing I could have done differently.
So so gradual. "Wow he loves to color" to "That kid just spent 20 solid minutes coloring" ... " an hour" ... "two hours"... "He colored all afternoon today"... "Is that normal? But wow he's so talented. You can actually tell what that is"...
... He's being a snot and he's started ignoring me when I talk to him. I have to tell him to look at me... He's just so focused on his task I have to tell him to look when he's talking to me, Mommy is deaf and needs to read your lips and he doesn't get it. ... I have to turn off the TV to get him to respond... I have to grab his chin and order him to look at me to get him to make eye contact...
He still does make great eye contact sometimes, but usually when its just us and he looks at me with those big gorgeous soulful brown eyes and that incandescent smile and I'm so grateful I'm his Mommy.
If it has to be The Spectrum I'm grateful its the high end. It could be so much worse. Its not like he's dead. Its just a big mental shift b/c now its official.
My son has Autism.
I'm still processing about it. I need to brain dump here so I can sleep.
My degree is in Psychology. I am extremely familiar with the diagnostic criterion for the Autism Spectrum. And yes for the last two years The Boy has been pinging my radar. I wondered. I told myself I was being paranoid. You do that. You over analyse everything. Every freshman psych student goes thru a phase where they become the psych equivalent of a hypochondriac and you have to tell yourself to shut up and you're just seeing things.
But sometimes you're right.
He started out so blissfully normal. Such a good, sweet, happy, cuddly baby boy (he is still a good sweet happy cuddly kid). Absolutely normal developmental track, a little ahead of the curve even. He used to make eye contact no problem. And try as I might I don't remember when he stopped.
It wasn't abrupt. I would have noticed. Just an odd quirk that turned into a phase that never ended and only got worse. The drawing. The refusal to use words. The clock obsession.
I remember thinking one time when I was holding my perfect baby boy how grateful I was that he didn't ping for anything on the spectrum and that I was grateful that I wouldn't have to deal with that with him. The crazy horrible voice in the back of my head wonders if this is punishment for that, that I didn't knock on wood or I was prideful and this is my punishment for hubris. Something stupid and equally batshit. But it whispers in the background like horrible little voices always do.
He's still perfect and I know this doesn't change who he is magically just b/c we have a name for things but in some ways it changes nothing and in others it changes everything.
I remember hearing how when you find out your child has a "disability" you go through a mourning phase because in some ways its a death.
Earlier today I had the thought: They're right. Its the death of the child that I thought I was raising. He is still my son, I still love him. I still think he hangs the moon and his spirit is still the same incredible little soul I have the privilege and honor to play the role of mortal mother to, but I wonder now about his potential in this life.
He's smart. Super, duper smart. The doctor was very optimistic about his long term outcome. But will he ever get married? Have a family? Be a father? Serve a mission? In this life? Now, I don't know. Eternally I know that nothing will be denied to him because of this. I know he's such an exceptional spirit that he doesn't have to be tested in the usual fashion.
But the odds of sending my son on his mission, watching him marry and having another daughter join our family and beautiful, gorgeous grandbabies, just got a whole lot smaller. It might happen, but it might not. And for that I mourn. B/c thats what I thought I was preparing him for. I remember picking his name and thinking, "It has a good ring to it. You could even see it across the bottom of the screen at General Conference. It would make a good General Authority Name."
The odds of that happening have diminished.
I had a friend in college. We will call him John. John was an awesome guy. Weird, but he is Aspergers (back when thats what you called it) and he was crazy smart but weird. Good friend. Constantly touched you if he was talking to you. Immature but nice. Aced every class he took in the engineering program (b/c they don't care if you're weird) and didn't even have to study but couldn't drive a car. They put him in the Corps and he thrived with the structure. He even got married (in my opinion the chick was a nutjob, no offense to John but she was and she would kinda have to be for them to work...) and they even had a kid or two but now they're divorced. I know divorce happens but I can't help but think it was all but inevitable in that case. And now the kids are left with a Dad that is an odd duck at the best of times and a nutjob for a mother.
I don't want that for my boy. I want the career track. I don't want him to wind up 20 years old and unable to function in the real world b/c he didn't go to college and he can't work with the public or get hired. I want him to use his marvelous intelligence and be as independent and successful as he can possibly be. Engineering will probably be an excellent fit. They don't care if you act funny (they all do there. I went to aTm. I would know...).
And now I look at The Girl. I look at her gorgeous, brilliant smile and I feel a tinge of fear. B/c I know now, that it doesn't matter. It doesn't really mean she's okay. I mean yes of course thats life and theres always a risk we could all die tomorrow, but this feels different. Hints of feeling cheated. He was perfect and in hindsight it was like a veil slowly coming down and I was helpless to stop it. Stop him from going away. And I mean its Autism. You can't fight it. You can't fix it or cure it. I didn't cause it. Theres nothing I could have done differently.
So so gradual. "Wow he loves to color" to "That kid just spent 20 solid minutes coloring" ... " an hour" ... "two hours"... "He colored all afternoon today"... "Is that normal? But wow he's so talented. You can actually tell what that is"...
... He's being a snot and he's started ignoring me when I talk to him. I have to tell him to look at me... He's just so focused on his task I have to tell him to look when he's talking to me, Mommy is deaf and needs to read your lips and he doesn't get it. ... I have to turn off the TV to get him to respond... I have to grab his chin and order him to look at me to get him to make eye contact...
He still does make great eye contact sometimes, but usually when its just us and he looks at me with those big gorgeous soulful brown eyes and that incandescent smile and I'm so grateful I'm his Mommy.
If it has to be The Spectrum I'm grateful its the high end. It could be so much worse. Its not like he's dead. Its just a big mental shift b/c now its official.
My son has Autism.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Mormon Rant #451
*Trigger Warning: This topic may contain triggers for certain individuals, such as those with PTSD, please proceed with caution*
Annnnnndddddd we're back!
Hi! I've missed you dearly. We are finally moved to Texas and SLOWLY getting settled in and some of the larger dragons slain.
I need to rant for a moment.
Two things kinda lead up to this rant. Its happened to me several times in recent history that I've whined about something on FB and some helpful person tries to tell me how I should really be grateful for this thing b/c other people don't get to have this problem so smile and be glad.
Maybe if I were a better person that would give me a reality check and I'd take a step back and go "Really, they're right. In the grand scheme of things this is nothing and I should be more grateful." But b/c I am me and I clearly have more growing to do, I just get ticked and wanna flip them off.
If they can come at it tongue in cheek and make me laugh they might have a shot but mostly I just feel condescended to and chastised. To me it comes out, "Sure you have a eat a shit sundae but there are starving children in Africa so you should just eat it and be grateful".
Somehow that doesn't improve my outlook. At all.
The second half of what spawned this rant happened at church and so the Mormon side is gonna be on full display so if thats not your thing, here's your fair warning. I will attempt to explain as I go.
The church teaches that we lived with God as his spirit children before we came to this earth and were born. We don't remember this time at all but several important things happen. This period is commonly called "The Preexistence". I think its helpful to know about. However, there is a great deal of what I call "Mormon Folk Doctrine" on this topic, probably b/c there is so little hard and fast information available on it (comparatively speaking).
Now Mormon Folk Doctrine is a pernicious little weed imo. It used to be a SERIOUS problem. We try hard in the church to keep the doctrine as consistent as humanly possible. With 15 million members this is a challenge but its nice to know that no matter where I go in the whole world, we will all be getting taught out of the same manual (albeit translated into the local language). We even have a committee called the "Correlation Committee" whose job it is to try to make sure that anything that gets printed with the church's name on it, is in fact, legit church doctrine.
This is b/c when I was a kid, people used to teach Folk Doctrine like it was The Gospel for reals and 90% of their lesson came from their own heads. You got some wacky crap that way. Now days they've completely redone the manuals and they STRONGLY encourage you to Stick. To. The. Manual. and not go hunting for "outside material". There's a reason people. *nods*
But so, having taught about the Preexistence several times as a teacher, and heard about it even more as a student, its one of those topics almost guaranteed to bring out the Folk Doctrine in force. I generally just grit my teeth and bear it. But this Sunday the question was: "How does knowing about the Preexistence help you in your daily life?"
And one of the sisters raised her hand and mentioned a VERY popular piece of what I believe to be Folk Doctrine (I can't swear it is but I'm reasonably sure I've never seen it in print from the Correlation Committee and I know its NEVER been in any of my lesson manuals when I've taught) - the basic idea is "When you were in the Preexistence - you were told every challenge you were going to have in this life and you happily agreed to it".
That doctrine ticks me off 75% of the time.
It just rubs me wrong. It does not help me feel better one little bit. I raised my hand and said so and then pointed out something else that knowing about the Preexistence DOES help me feel better about (so I wasn't just being combative and was REALLY answering the question...).
But its been stuck in my head and then the FB thing happened again tonight and I started talking about it with my sister. And here's my take on the subject:
I think we knew some things. I think we probably knew our families before we came down here. And I think we probably got something along the lines of a mission call.
Here in our church when you serve a mission, you don't pick where you go, you go where you are called. For this reason, receiving your call is a BIG fricking deal. People gather whole families and friends to open it up and find out WHERE some one is going. And it varies dramatically.
I was called to serve in North Carolina. Physically, it was a less demanding mission. I had air conditioning, a car, safe food and water and plenty of it and Walmart. My buddy served in Guatemala and lived in a tin shack and climbed mountains for two years. Extremely physically demanding, physically much harder than my mission. My mission was harder than his in different ways though. His people were so much more humble and teachable. He baptized dozens. The people I taught that got baptized were much fewer and further between.
I knew when I got my call a bit about the people I was going to go see, I had a rough idea of what I would be doing, but I was definitely missing the daily details and a lot of the challenges, even if I had heard something about them, were an entirely different experience when I actually got in there face to face with them. But I went for it knowing that it was what my Heavenly Father, who loves me dearly and wants what is best for me, wanted me to do. I knew that as long as I did what I ought to be doing, I would be cared for and it would work out okay in the long run, even if it meant something scary like my death. I just had to have faith and jump in there.
I think this mortal life is a lot like that. I think we got a mission call. You're going to be born to this family, in this time and this place. I think perhaps those with special challenges like serious disabilities might have been told that was going to be their lot ("You are such a strong and special spirit that you don't need to be tried and tested by sin like your brothers and sisters, instead you will have physical challenges, but your sweet spirit will shine through and be a shining lesson and example to those around you who will have many opportunities to receive blessings by providing years of service caring for you") something a long those lines.
What I have a serious problem with, and what makes my blood boil, is when I've seen that idea taken, I think too far, and I've seen it happen that someone throws it in the face of someone with hellish experiences, such as my friend who was repeatedly molested, for years. "Well you chose to go through that" or " You accepted those challenges with joy".
Um, no. I don't think so. I don't think that's how it works. I think that was something dependent on another persons agency and how they hideously abused it. I think that this is where the Atonement comes in. Thats the miracle of the Gospel, is that even something that horrific, can in the eternities, be healed. That God allows these things to happen to good people so that his judgements can be just. So that when Judgement happens its not "I'm sorry, you didn't actually do the bad thing b/c I stopped you, but you would have so, no eternal salvation for you, but you just have to take my word for it". No thats not how it works, to be just He has to allow them their actions and their consequences. But because He is also merciful, He can and will heal the wronged. It may not happen in this life but it will happen.
I think maybe they were warned that some bad things may happen as a result of other peoples choices, but they just had to trust that the Lord loves them and He knows the end from the beginning so you trust in the mercy of your God that He can heal anything and someday it will balance out. I don't think they got told "Your are going to live through a horror movie" and they went "Yay!"
I don't think God is a genie or a snake oil sales man, who sold you on these horrific things, that you had no clue what you were agreeing to. I think He told you bad things might happen if people in your life don't chose to do right, and you might be badly hurt but that He loves you, that there will be a purpose, and that He promised He could heal you.
I know this same friend has expressed concern for her poor children who have had to deal with the consequences of growing up with a mother who did have so much damage, and when faced with the idea of, "They picked their families", she just goes "Clearly, they had no clue what they were really agreeing to". I think they're both right there. No they didn't REALLY know. But I think they probably had it explained that their mother was a woman with an extraordinary spirit, that while damaged, was amazingly good and wonderful and that they would help her heal and she would teach them about strength. Because that woman is strong. She's one of the strongest people I know. I am in awe of her and honored to be her friend.
So no, they may not have known what they were getting into, but they knew her heart and that she was worth the effort. I have people in my life who are the same to me. It can be rough loving them, but they have the best heart I've ever known so we keep going and its worth it.
So basically, don't smack me with trite sayings about how I should be grateful for my challenges. You might be right, but its not helpful. At least not to me. I know I've finally managed to move past a challenge and learned what I needed to learn when I look back and I can go "Yes I learned x, y and z, and I'm actually grateful this thing happened b/c I really needed to learn that" but given its ZERO fun when you're in the middle of it, don't tell me that b/c I'll just tell you to bite me.
Like wise, don't smack a person who is going through an epically hard thing by saying "Oh you knew it would happen and you accepted it" b/c I really don't think that's always the case. In fact I think you may be dead wrong.
Annnnnndddddd we're back!
Hi! I've missed you dearly. We are finally moved to Texas and SLOWLY getting settled in and some of the larger dragons slain.
I need to rant for a moment.
Two things kinda lead up to this rant. Its happened to me several times in recent history that I've whined about something on FB and some helpful person tries to tell me how I should really be grateful for this thing b/c other people don't get to have this problem so smile and be glad.
Maybe if I were a better person that would give me a reality check and I'd take a step back and go "Really, they're right. In the grand scheme of things this is nothing and I should be more grateful." But b/c I am me and I clearly have more growing to do, I just get ticked and wanna flip them off.
If they can come at it tongue in cheek and make me laugh they might have a shot but mostly I just feel condescended to and chastised. To me it comes out, "Sure you have a eat a shit sundae but there are starving children in Africa so you should just eat it and be grateful".
Somehow that doesn't improve my outlook. At all.
The second half of what spawned this rant happened at church and so the Mormon side is gonna be on full display so if thats not your thing, here's your fair warning. I will attempt to explain as I go.
The church teaches that we lived with God as his spirit children before we came to this earth and were born. We don't remember this time at all but several important things happen. This period is commonly called "The Preexistence". I think its helpful to know about. However, there is a great deal of what I call "Mormon Folk Doctrine" on this topic, probably b/c there is so little hard and fast information available on it (comparatively speaking).
Now Mormon Folk Doctrine is a pernicious little weed imo. It used to be a SERIOUS problem. We try hard in the church to keep the doctrine as consistent as humanly possible. With 15 million members this is a challenge but its nice to know that no matter where I go in the whole world, we will all be getting taught out of the same manual (albeit translated into the local language). We even have a committee called the "Correlation Committee" whose job it is to try to make sure that anything that gets printed with the church's name on it, is in fact, legit church doctrine.
This is b/c when I was a kid, people used to teach Folk Doctrine like it was The Gospel for reals and 90% of their lesson came from their own heads. You got some wacky crap that way. Now days they've completely redone the manuals and they STRONGLY encourage you to Stick. To. The. Manual. and not go hunting for "outside material". There's a reason people. *nods*
But so, having taught about the Preexistence several times as a teacher, and heard about it even more as a student, its one of those topics almost guaranteed to bring out the Folk Doctrine in force. I generally just grit my teeth and bear it. But this Sunday the question was: "How does knowing about the Preexistence help you in your daily life?"
And one of the sisters raised her hand and mentioned a VERY popular piece of what I believe to be Folk Doctrine (I can't swear it is but I'm reasonably sure I've never seen it in print from the Correlation Committee and I know its NEVER been in any of my lesson manuals when I've taught) - the basic idea is "When you were in the Preexistence - you were told every challenge you were going to have in this life and you happily agreed to it".
That doctrine ticks me off 75% of the time.
It just rubs me wrong. It does not help me feel better one little bit. I raised my hand and said so and then pointed out something else that knowing about the Preexistence DOES help me feel better about (so I wasn't just being combative and was REALLY answering the question...).
But its been stuck in my head and then the FB thing happened again tonight and I started talking about it with my sister. And here's my take on the subject:
I think we knew some things. I think we probably knew our families before we came down here. And I think we probably got something along the lines of a mission call.
Here in our church when you serve a mission, you don't pick where you go, you go where you are called. For this reason, receiving your call is a BIG fricking deal. People gather whole families and friends to open it up and find out WHERE some one is going. And it varies dramatically.
I was called to serve in North Carolina. Physically, it was a less demanding mission. I had air conditioning, a car, safe food and water and plenty of it and Walmart. My buddy served in Guatemala and lived in a tin shack and climbed mountains for two years. Extremely physically demanding, physically much harder than my mission. My mission was harder than his in different ways though. His people were so much more humble and teachable. He baptized dozens. The people I taught that got baptized were much fewer and further between.
I knew when I got my call a bit about the people I was going to go see, I had a rough idea of what I would be doing, but I was definitely missing the daily details and a lot of the challenges, even if I had heard something about them, were an entirely different experience when I actually got in there face to face with them. But I went for it knowing that it was what my Heavenly Father, who loves me dearly and wants what is best for me, wanted me to do. I knew that as long as I did what I ought to be doing, I would be cared for and it would work out okay in the long run, even if it meant something scary like my death. I just had to have faith and jump in there.
I think this mortal life is a lot like that. I think we got a mission call. You're going to be born to this family, in this time and this place. I think perhaps those with special challenges like serious disabilities might have been told that was going to be their lot ("You are such a strong and special spirit that you don't need to be tried and tested by sin like your brothers and sisters, instead you will have physical challenges, but your sweet spirit will shine through and be a shining lesson and example to those around you who will have many opportunities to receive blessings by providing years of service caring for you") something a long those lines.
What I have a serious problem with, and what makes my blood boil, is when I've seen that idea taken, I think too far, and I've seen it happen that someone throws it in the face of someone with hellish experiences, such as my friend who was repeatedly molested, for years. "Well you chose to go through that" or " You accepted those challenges with joy".
Um, no. I don't think so. I don't think that's how it works. I think that was something dependent on another persons agency and how they hideously abused it. I think that this is where the Atonement comes in. Thats the miracle of the Gospel, is that even something that horrific, can in the eternities, be healed. That God allows these things to happen to good people so that his judgements can be just. So that when Judgement happens its not "I'm sorry, you didn't actually do the bad thing b/c I stopped you, but you would have so, no eternal salvation for you, but you just have to take my word for it". No thats not how it works, to be just He has to allow them their actions and their consequences. But because He is also merciful, He can and will heal the wronged. It may not happen in this life but it will happen.
I think maybe they were warned that some bad things may happen as a result of other peoples choices, but they just had to trust that the Lord loves them and He knows the end from the beginning so you trust in the mercy of your God that He can heal anything and someday it will balance out. I don't think they got told "Your are going to live through a horror movie" and they went "Yay!"
I don't think God is a genie or a snake oil sales man, who sold you on these horrific things, that you had no clue what you were agreeing to. I think He told you bad things might happen if people in your life don't chose to do right, and you might be badly hurt but that He loves you, that there will be a purpose, and that He promised He could heal you.
I know this same friend has expressed concern for her poor children who have had to deal with the consequences of growing up with a mother who did have so much damage, and when faced with the idea of, "They picked their families", she just goes "Clearly, they had no clue what they were really agreeing to". I think they're both right there. No they didn't REALLY know. But I think they probably had it explained that their mother was a woman with an extraordinary spirit, that while damaged, was amazingly good and wonderful and that they would help her heal and she would teach them about strength. Because that woman is strong. She's one of the strongest people I know. I am in awe of her and honored to be her friend.
So no, they may not have known what they were getting into, but they knew her heart and that she was worth the effort. I have people in my life who are the same to me. It can be rough loving them, but they have the best heart I've ever known so we keep going and its worth it.
So basically, don't smack me with trite sayings about how I should be grateful for my challenges. You might be right, but its not helpful. At least not to me. I know I've finally managed to move past a challenge and learned what I needed to learn when I look back and I can go "Yes I learned x, y and z, and I'm actually grateful this thing happened b/c I really needed to learn that" but given its ZERO fun when you're in the middle of it, don't tell me that b/c I'll just tell you to bite me.
Like wise, don't smack a person who is going through an epically hard thing by saying "Oh you knew it would happen and you accepted it" b/c I really don't think that's always the case. In fact I think you may be dead wrong.
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