My son is Autistic

Its official. We got the diagnosis today.

I'm still processing about it. I need to brain dump here so I can sleep.

My degree is in Psychology. I am extremely familiar with the diagnostic criterion for the Autism Spectrum. And yes for the last two years The Boy has been pinging my radar. I wondered. I told myself I was being paranoid. You do that. You over analyse everything. Every freshman psych student goes thru a phase where they become the psych equivalent of a hypochondriac and you have to tell yourself to shut up and you're just seeing things.

But sometimes you're right.

He started out so blissfully normal. Such a good, sweet, happy, cuddly baby boy (he is still a good sweet happy cuddly kid). Absolutely normal developmental track, a little ahead of the curve even. He used to make eye contact no problem. And try as I might I don't remember when he stopped.

It wasn't abrupt. I would have noticed. Just an odd quirk that turned into a phase that never ended and only got worse. The drawing. The refusal to use words. The clock obsession.

I remember thinking one time when I was holding my perfect baby boy how grateful I was that he didn't ping for anything on the spectrum and that I was grateful that I wouldn't have to deal with that with him. The crazy horrible voice in the back of my head wonders if this is punishment for that, that I didn't knock on wood or I was prideful and this is my punishment for hubris. Something stupid and equally batshit. But it whispers in the background like horrible little voices always do.

He's still perfect and I know this doesn't change who he is magically just b/c we have a name for things but in some ways it changes nothing and in others it changes everything.

I remember hearing how when you find out your child has a "disability" you go through a mourning phase because in some ways its a death.

Earlier today I had the thought: They're right. Its the death of the child that I thought I was raising. He is still my son, I still love him. I still think he hangs the moon and his spirit is still the same incredible little soul I have the privilege and honor to play the role of mortal mother to, but I wonder now about his potential in this life.

He's smart. Super, duper smart. The doctor was very optimistic about his long term outcome. But will he ever get married? Have a family? Be a father? Serve a mission? In this life? Now, I don't know. Eternally I know that nothing will be denied to him because of this. I know he's such an exceptional spirit that he doesn't have to be tested in the usual fashion.

But the odds of sending my son on his mission, watching him marry and having another daughter join our family and beautiful, gorgeous grandbabies, just got a whole lot smaller. It might happen, but it might not. And for that I mourn. B/c thats what I thought I was preparing him for. I remember picking his name and thinking, "It has a good ring to it. You could even see it across the bottom of the screen at General Conference. It would make a good General Authority Name."

The odds of that happening have diminished.

I had a friend in college. We will call him John. John was an awesome guy. Weird, but he is Aspergers (back when thats what you called it) and he was crazy smart but weird. Good friend. Constantly touched you if he was talking to you. Immature but nice. Aced every class he took in the engineering program (b/c they don't care if you're weird) and didn't even have to study but couldn't drive a car. They put him in the Corps and he thrived with the structure. He even got married (in my opinion the chick was a nutjob, no offense to John but she was and she would kinda have to be for them to work...) and they even had a kid or two but now they're divorced. I know divorce happens but I can't help but think it was all but inevitable in that case. And now the kids are left with a Dad that is an odd duck at the best of times and a nutjob for a mother.

I don't want that for my boy. I want the career track. I don't want him to wind up 20 years old and unable to function in the real world b/c he didn't go to college and he can't work with the public or get hired. I want him to use his marvelous intelligence and be as independent and successful as he can possibly be. Engineering will probably be an excellent fit. They don't care if you act funny (they all do there. I went to aTm. I would know...).

And now I look at The Girl. I look at her gorgeous, brilliant smile and I feel a tinge of fear. B/c I know now, that it doesn't matter. It doesn't really mean she's okay. I mean yes of course thats life and theres always a risk we could all die tomorrow, but this feels different. Hints of feeling cheated. He was perfect and in hindsight it was like a veil slowly coming down and I was helpless to stop it. Stop him from going away.  And I mean its Autism. You can't fight it. You can't fix it or cure it. I didn't cause it. Theres nothing I could have done differently.

So so gradual. "Wow he loves to color" to "That kid just spent 20 solid minutes coloring" ... " an hour" ... "two hours"... "He colored all afternoon today"...  "Is that normal? But wow he's so talented. You can actually tell what that is"...

... He's being a snot and he's started ignoring me when I talk to him. I have to tell him to look at me... He's just so focused on his task I have to tell him to look when he's talking to me, Mommy is deaf and needs to read your lips and he doesn't get it. ... I have to turn off the TV to get him to respond... I have to grab his chin and order him to look at me to get him to make eye contact...

He still does make great eye contact sometimes, but usually when its just us and he looks at me with those big gorgeous soulful brown eyes and that incandescent smile and I'm so grateful I'm his Mommy.

If it has to be The Spectrum I'm grateful its the high end. It could be so much worse. Its not like he's dead. Its just a big mental shift b/c now its official.

My son has Autism.